"How do you spell 'doormat'?": A Guide to Assertiveness for the Introvert

My roommate, A, and I have been talking about how well we mesh because we both **really** like our alone time and know when it's time to socialize and when we need our time alone. We both identify as introverts and we are very comfortable living together because we just get it. We don't have to talk to one another in the mornings, we don't need to talk when we get home, we don't even need to talk while sitting together in the same room in silence. We are just...quiet. It's not that we don't like one another, we actually quite enjoy the others company. It's just that we are introverted.


You might be asking yourself, "What is an introvert?" "How do you live like that?" or probably an array of other questions. And it's not that we NEVER talk, we do talk when we have something to say. We arent mute. This morning A actually sent me a GREAT article from the March 2003 edition of The Atlantic Magazine that explains in pretty accurate detail the ins and outs of your average introvert. "Introverts are not necessarily shy. Introverts generally are not anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings."
Extroverts have difficulty understanding introverts. "They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion."


Really, you should just go read it. It's good stuff.


Now, in my experience, the introverts I know (including myself) are not always assertive. There are times when I am, but it's not the norm. I'll be the first to admit, I talk big talk; but when it comes down to the wire, I crumble like a snickerdoodle cookie. I just don't have it in me to spit out what needs to be said, and say it in a nice, matter-of-fact way instead of getting all emotional (or defensive).


This takes us to the title of this here post: How do you spell doormat? This is something I actually blurted out last night to ask A while texting my beloved, O, something about how I had been feeling all day. I've been feeling used, and not just recently. People take my niceness for granted and I allow it. This morning I realized that. It won't ever stop unless I do something about it.


Dictionary.com
door·mat [dawr-mat, dohr-] noun

1. a mat,  usually placed before a door  or other entrance, for people arriving to wipe their shoes on before entering.

2. a person who is the habitual object of abuse or humiliation by another.


For all intents and purposes we are going to combine the two of these definitions to make our own...

door · mat

1. a person who is usually placed before the feet of others to use, wipe their shoes on, walk all over, etc...


I'm not going to include humiliated because that's not at all what I'm feeling. I'm feeling over used, though. Like, throw-me-in-the-wash-im-covered-in-the-scum-from-your-dirty-soul sole-used. I'm also feeling that if only I was assertive, things would be very different. So I set out on a [Google] search to find out how to be assertive. What's wrong with me that I feel nauseous when I have to stand up for myself? Why do I get this pit in my stomach and knot in my throat?


I came across an article that has a few simple ways to make a change:


1. Figure out what you want. (Easy enough. Right?) they say you should define what it exactly that you need.
2. Ask for it. (SKRRRRRR - pump the breaks!) This step *sounds* like it should be easy-peasy but this is where I get stuck because...
3. Think about what you're afraid of. ...this. This stopped me dead in my tracks. What exactly am I afraid of? What is the reason for the nausea and anxiety?


I really had to sit and think. For me, what it boils down to is "what happens next?" This is where my anxiety and fear are centered. Yes, I can ask/say what I want or need. But the answer that I will get is what scares the hell out of me. Rather, the answer that I don't want to hear is what scares the hell out of me. A prime example, and something that is giving me heartburn at this very moment is a question I asked O. Response pending. He is scheduled to be in DC for a conference and some interviews next Monday and Tuesday. I'm *SO* excited for him, as he will be graduating his course soon and wants to be back in the area ASAP and working. This is an excellent opportunity for him. When he told me about it my first thought was "YAY job!!" then immediately "YAY visit!!" That's right! My incredibly handsome man was going to be in the very same area code as me for a full 48 hours so of COURSE he would think to squeeze some time in for a little visit with his #1 lady. When he got the final word that he would be attending the conference I was very happy. Then I asked him when he would be arriving (duh he would come for the entire weekend before, why wouldn't he?!). "Sunday afternoon" is the answer I got. Wait..whaaa??? Sunday? That doesn't leave any snuggle time.


So, just as any one like me would, I immediately started the water works. It was involuntary, actually. Tears just rushed out of my eyes like I'd opened the Hoover Dam. I had to compose myself quickly, I was at work for goodness sake. I then went through about 5 emotions in 2.5 seconds. Sad, angry (at him), confused, angry (at myself for being angry at him), and then...AHH! Clarity!


I never TOLD him I'd like to see him while he's in town. How can I tell him this without sounding bat-shit crazy? [open new tab>google.com>how to be assertive with your boyfriend>search] Interesting. No. No. Ah, yes!


And here I am.


What I've learned through my research is:


-I need to understand that no one will know what I'm thinking. I must voice what is in my head in order for people to hear me. As silly as this sounds, there are times I'm screaming in my head and I really think someone must hear me. 
-Leave your emotions out of it. Just...do it. 
-Extroverts may will never understand me. 
-There is a difference between aggressive and assertive. 
-I must not let my fear of an unwanted response stop me from being diplomatic about a situation. 
-I need to know what I want. And I need to ask for it. 
-I CANNOT be afraid of tarnishing relationships by discussing important things with my loved ones. They love me, we will make it through a conversation. 


Please read any articles that I've linked. They were good reads, especially if you're living with an introvert. 


And, that's all I have to say about that. 


<3 Tina <3